It has been over a month since I have posted. I continued with the Small Stones project, but I wrote in my journal. My writing during the last month became too private for me to post. The year did not start out as expected. Somewhere in the chaos of life, whether in beginning a new year or in the middle of a random day, there is the expectation that everything will go well in the future. The future could be a minute from now or twenty-minutes, or the next day, it's still the same = our expectations for the future are "rose colored, Pollyana, white picket fence, pie in the sky" thoughts. I've learned that each second is perfect. Whether that moment is going as I "planned" or not, it's still perfect. God is in control, so life goes as He planned.
My Dad passed out on January 3rd. Mom worked with him to try to get him to come to, while I called 911. It doesn't matter that I'm 36 years old, and will be 37 years old in less than a month, when a parent is ill, there could be a life threatening issue, I still feel like a child. Dad was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital. We were in ER with him until 2:30 in the morning. It all began around 10:15 and I called the ambulance, by 10:40 he'd been assessed here and we were at the hospital in ER. The hospital is only about 20 minutes away. In the pre-dawn hours of January 3rd (around 3:00 a.m.) my Mom and I drove home. We were thankful that Dad was conscious and talking. He was kept in the hospital until Monday evening. Before we left on Thursday morning, we found out he had internal bleeding somewhere. Probably from an ulcer. He was kept in the hospital from Wednesday around 10:40 p.m.until Monday around 8:00 p.m. He was given fluids through his veins, he was given B12 and other medicines to help heal the ulcer. We were thankful he was feeling better and able to come home. It gave us a scare.
I was surprised at my resilience to the situation. I felt strong and was able to deal with everything in a confident and competent way. I think that feeling came from writing about what was going on. I sat with my journal in the hospital room, journaling for hours at a time. It really helped to get my thoughts, feelings, ideas, out, and to organize myself.
After he was out of the hospital it was as if all my flight and fight responses rested. I was no longer running on adrenaline. I was exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. The fatigue settled into every part of my body. My lungs felt constricted and sore, almost like they've felt in the past if I've had a severe cold and flu. I still went to work. The student's voices and laughter were a balm for my soul. Teaching got my mind off my Dad being sick and my severe tiredness. In the afternoons, I prayed, I slept, and journaled. As did my Dad, me and my Mom recovered from the long days and nights.
Now a month later, I feel wonderful. I feel happy, stronger, resilent, and thankful. Earlier in the day on January 3rd I'd finally discovered my word for the year. My word for the year is UNFOLD. I want to live my life as it is unfolding, as it comes to me. I'm a planner, a control freak. I want to surrender some of that control and just let things happen. Let the unexpected happines, joy, and the exhilaration of life unfold. I want those unplanned things to happen to me, no control, it just is. Little did I know that a few hours after I chose this word how my life would take an unexpected turn.
Lately, I find myself enjoying life more. Light heartedness bouys and guides me. With relinquishing some of the control I also fear less. The fear recedes and life becomes more about living as it unfolds, as God intends it to be. I am filled with Love and so very grateful to God.